I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
that may or may not have been my penis.
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