Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
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