$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
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