Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
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