Ambien. No doubt about it.
I just pynch a tree in the face
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
