Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
We are two peas in an std pod
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
