You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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