listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize