these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
