You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
