Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
