Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
