Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Randomize
