He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
