There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
