# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
She even gives head with a lisp.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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