I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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