someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
