Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
