I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Damn victory sex feels great
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
