When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize