Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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