based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
