I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
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