Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
