Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
