Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
