dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
