I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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