do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
