Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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