I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
My vagina just recognized that song.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Randomize
