Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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