I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
