My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
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