It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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