Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Randomize
