Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
