We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
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