I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
