I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Well I just put wine in my tea
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize