Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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