Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
