Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
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