Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
