before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
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