If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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