I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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