Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
