i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
