Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
