hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
