woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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