I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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