I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
