I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
You can't motorboat a personality
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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